There are times when I worry that I am not really a writer. Times like this, when I know that I should put words on paper and just can’t.
When I started this Lenten season, I decided that I was going to put some things down that distract. Facebook was an obvious choice. Turn Around Tuesday was a little less obvious. But both of those things have had me interacting with people on a regular basis in ways that I am not sure are authentically me. At times it seems that they are more reactionary and not so much creative.
So now that there isn’t so much reactionary writing, very little in the way of creative, spontaneous, or original words seem to come to mind. I worry that I am not really a writer.
I’m sure I need to commit to putting something on paper every day regardless of what it is. I’m worried that won’t work. So the fear of failure results in a procrastination of the effort.
I also think that some prompts might help. I’m also afraid that will fail. I also think that defeats the purpose. I also think that if I were truly a writer I would need it. I also think I’m just an idiot and should take help where I can get it.
I have a brain that feels like an incorrectly wound ball of yarn. The material is good. The possibility for craft is there. But it’s just such a mess. It makes it hard to see the creation in the middle of the chaos.
I worry that I am not a writer. Thinking about that statement as I look at it on the paper I think that may not be true. I’m fairly certain that I am a writer. I think what I’m worried about is who is the reader. And isn’t that some narcissistic bullshit. But truthfully, who doesn’t hone their craft, create, and work hard to put forth a bit of their authentic self with at least a little hope that somebody out there will affirm and appreciate? Don’t we all do that? And is that really so wrong?
No. I don’t think that the desire for appreciation and recognition is wrong. But I think that the fear of looking for that and not finding it has prevented me from creating at all. And that is terribly wrong.
I am a writer. I am a creator. But as long as I remain fearful, I will remain tangled.