Alrighty, so we all grow and evolve right? I too grow and evolve. Some folks don’t like to talk about it too much because they feel like, well I don’t know what they feel like. I do know what I feel like.
- Go public and mess up – that’s always fun
- Put it out there and change your mind – flip flopper
- Make the statement and be misunderstood – there goes those hurt feelings
- Have the conversation and be berated - party in the house!
- try to do better and then be picked apart and judged – number one on my bucket list
Well, here’s the deal. All that stuff is scary and all. But, I have come to the conclusion that scary does not make my choices for me…and scary certainly isn’t the way I wish to run my life.
So I will tell you I have been VERY occasionally posting on another blog called “Shared Quiet Moments.” Very occasionally because writing about faith was difficult for me. Sometimes it still is…but, it has become obvious that I am supposed to write about it more…at the very least it should influence my writing (and everything else a bit more). In fact, dealing with this idea has slowed down all aspects of my writing – professional, personal, the book…that cannot be allowed to continue. It is time to move forward.
What does this mean? There will be a bit more God in the Chaos. It also means if you also read Making Life Work for You, you may notice some changes over there as well (but maybe not so obvious).
What does this not mean? I am not attempting to convert or push…I am simply sharing. I am also disclosing my bias. If you are single, that is your perspective. If you own a dog, love hunting, own a business, enjoy wineries…that is your bias. I am a Catholic and this is one of mine.
It also does not mean that I am instantly perfect. My husband will attest to that Honestly, I am not sure what exactly it changes, but I just wanted to warn you. I am fairly certain I will still call bullshit bullshit. Oh lookie there, I will I am certain my sarcasm level, while dimmed a bit because I do not wish to go back to negative or mean, will still be a major characteristic. I am certain I will still discuss beer, skanky girl toys, ridiculous politics and the like. I am certain I will still be me…just as always…with slight upgrades…
Chaos 2.0 (or ver. 12 – I lost count).
Ok, so maybe I am not pissed at them…maybe I am super pissed at me.
The Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon in Savannah was this past weekend. However, it has been sold out since August. I didn’t even run my first under 10 minute mile until mid September. It wasn’t on my radar.
Ok, so maybe it was on my radar. I get lofty like that. I had a bunch of friends that were running it. Some were doing the full and lots were doing the half. I can do a half. 13.1? Sure, why not? I had already scored a 10 mile run (it was slow, but I finished). Yeah, too bad it’s sold out. Because I could so do that. Yeah.
The “this” he is referring to is The Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon. Evidently some spots had opened up. As in not sold out. As in Cinderella can go to the ball. As in me. As in 13.1. In front of people…really, behind people.
Yeah, no. Quick brush off about registration fee and work and volunteerism…blah, blah, blah. End of subject.
I mean really, those things are a big deal. And who wants to run a race they have never even seen before, right? And really, isn’t it more responsible to not hurry these kinds of things and just make sure you are super prepared? Right?
Whatever. I chickened. Worse – I self sabotaged. I worked so hard to convince myself that this was a great decision that I had almost convinced myself I wasn’t really a runner. My run log last week was seriously lacking. Why? Because maybe I would never be prepared and maybe I started too late and maybe there are all those folks out there who really are runners and won’t that be embarrassing…
Now it was Saturday afternoon…Sunday…reports, stories, pictures are coming in. It was great, it was fun, it was wonderful. And none of them got handcuffed by the imposter police because they didn’t score a 6 minute pace.
And I missed it. Worse than missing it. I chose not to do it. I allowed my brain to jack up yet another wondrous capability that is mine.
So this morning I said screw it. I laced up my shoes and went for a run. Some where around mile 2 I felt better. Somewhere around mile 5 I thought about when I would turn around. Right around mile 6 I realized – I am going to run 13.1 today – because I can!
And that is exactly what I did. In under two hours.
I didn’t get a medal or a picture to post on facebook. But I did get a front row seat at life lesson reminder number…well, it’s a big one.
Forget fear. Forget brain jacks. Forget made up lies about inability and substandard fortitude.
Guess who will be there November 3, 2012 ready to eat 26.2 for breakfast. Until then, I have some new words to remember.
“Do it for fun…even if it is Monday.”
As most of you know, I have returned home to Keller Williams. As much as I loved my new construction family, when an opportunity comes along that speaks to your heart, you gotta just take it. I have had a few of those. And, in all honesty, I am really hoping one will stick. Not since the Navy have I found a place that I felt suited me and, in return, I suited it.
During these times of transition, there inevitably comes a great deal of soul-searching. Just to make the decision to move takes a great deal of introspection on what is important, what are my priorities, what goals am I trying to accomplish…
WHAT IS MY BIG “WHY”?
And I don’t know really. But I do know I figure stuff out while I write. I also know that putting it on paper is a good (although sometimes uncomfortable) practice. I also like recording the thought process – maybe you guys will see where I jumped a thought. Maybe I will see it myself.
I think I basically want to live my life to its fullest potential on my own terms.
HA! The “Big Why” is actually pretty easy. The explanation of is what takes a bit of work. And I intend to talk about it in no particular order.
I like being in control of my own time. Nothing is worse than having your schedule ruled by someone else. Now, that is not to be confused with submitting control of time to those I care for and enjoy doing for. I do not mind bed time stories, helping on the farm, making a big dinner, taking long walk and those things which are done for the benefit of others. However, it is my choice to offer up that time. It is not demanded of me. My livelihood and financial well-being does not depend on it. My calendar is mine.
I like being in control of my own choices. Money helps a great deal with that. Outings, excursions, hobbies, recreation, community enrichment – these things have greater opportunity with greater funding. So I am looking for some greater funding. Do I love money? No. I love the greater breadth of opportunity that money allows.
I like being in control of my own work. I am not one of those folks that say, “work should never feel like work.” Frankly, I like the way good work feels. I honestly like the way good, tough work feels. I do not mind working hard. I do not mind the challenges. I do not mind stretching capabilities. I do, however, want to be doing all those things in a field of work that I believe in and is a good fit for me. I want to be able to choose which tasks I do and which I delegate. I want to be able to control which challenges I take on and which I leave to those better suited at the time.
I like being in control. Period. While I understand and appreciate the purpose and appropriateness of relinquishing control in many circumstances, that should be my decision. Knowing these things are important. They contribute directly to overall wellbeing of your mental state. I should know – my mental state is in constant need of attention
I am going to live more positively. Part of that is understanding boundaries and enrichment. These are things that build up and these are things that tear down…I am focusing on the things that build up…with occassional distraction by those things that tear down.
But hey, nobody’s perfect
I live my life on my own terms.
One of the coolest sayings ever is, I think, a Chinese Proverb or an African Proverb, or who knows – but it is cool.
“The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.”
This is my last day. I usually wait until New Years. But why wait.
I usually do it with a bit more silence. Why? Because this isn’t the first time I have had to do it. I have to remind myself over and over again how easy it is to slip into bad habits. And again, I have to do a hard reboot and, with intention, and in the words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard
I will not sacrifice the Enterprise. We’ve made too many compromises already; too many retreats. They invade our space and we fall back. They assimilate entire worlds and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no further! And I will make them pay for what they’ve done.
And we all know about compromises and retreats. Ok, well it has become obvious that not ALL of us will admit to knowing about them. But I do. And most people do. And it builds compassion and empathy.
Invade – Assimilate – fall back. How many times have I given into negativity, anger, frustration based on the ugly behavior of other people? How often do I berate myself for allowing the voice in my head to drag me down when it is in fact the voices of other people around me talking garbage into space? How often would I say, “Hey, you dropped that trash on the ground,” but fail ever to point out the pollution being given sound and hurled into space?
Has it become so acceptable to bash beliefs, thoughts, ideas, people because they are not as cool as we think they should be. Sure our ideas differ. Sure we find wrong things that others find right. Sure there are moral and ideological foundations of which we will never agree. But does that lead to condescension, hate, and plain ugly? No more, not here, not today.
I may never lose my snark. But I am deep sixing the negative – again. No more can’t, won’t, frustrated, sorry when it ain’t my fault, tired when I should be excited, sedentary when I should be on fire, confined when I should be busting.
Today I encourage you to plant your tree – literally or proverbially. This is Day One. Everyone is cultivating something. Everyone is growing a thing. I decide to grow something beautiful and purge the weeds. You are welcome to join me. I am who I am because it is who I am created to be – not because others around me have decided to trash the day. In the same respect, you are who you choose to be. Others can affect this choice only insomuch as we allow them to. There is energy and goodness – I plan on harnessing it all.
And for you nosey little ones
- Yes I regularly see things online that piss me off
- Yes I regularly see things online that encourage me
- Yes I am addicted to Pinterest
- Yes I finally saw the Green Lantern and decided to flex my will
- Yes I will slip and violate my own dedication to no more ugly
- Yes I may at times hide behind snark
- Yes, I am trying to make “yes” my new favorite word.