It has been a great day. I felt pretty agitated when I wrote to you earlier. Well, maybe “agitated” is the wrong word. “Hyper” or “over stimulated” is probably better.

See, I want to be better. Ok, so I don’t like “better” either. It insinuates a substantard state. And frankly, I think I am an acceptable human being.  And I am tired of poor mouthing my sense of being to justify a journey to a different state. Damn, I feel the need to spare you this if you choose with another white rabbit.

Incidentally, my husband thinks the white rabbit should now be a mandatory writing style. He assured me that he didn’t mean he would skip MY thoughts to the white rabbit. Just when reading OTHER folks it would be helpful. Hmmm.

When I say there are things I want for me, I really don’t want those who share my current habits to feel like they are being judged – they are not. With very few exceptions (the over sexualization of children being THE BIG ONE) I am really okay with differences. We all have vices. You don’t want mine and I don’t want yours. Hell, most the time I don’t want mine and you don’t want yours. But it doesn’t mean we don’t want to be connected – vices and all.

But my brain is moving. My soul is tugging it so that it has little choice. Kinda dumb for me not to pay attention to that. Along the way, the nudges are supported by neat little events.

This morning I woke up to a request by Clint to engage and support TLW (The Loving Wife). She is kicking skin cancer’s ass. She isn’t afraid of showing you exactly what that looks like and her decisions that got her there. She is now educating folks on a different way. Notice I said educating – not belittling and negating. She emphasizes her healthy, active lifestyle. It is inspiring (“inspiring” is understanded, overused and contrite – it is soul stirring)

Awhile back I found Dinner: A Love Story. She is telling her story about getting her family to the table with great meals. Amazingly helpful.

Rocky likes vodka. We have that in common. She doesn’t ingest artificial anything – her mixes are all natural. Love this! I see a new way to be who I am, what I enjoy, while making different choices. Then she posts about 100 Days of Real Food. This chick is an all natural foodie…with kids…on a budget. Seriously? Is she in my brain?

So, my brain is working. I am feeling supported and affirmed. The day is good and I am thinking about the top 3. Think I have it worked out.

I get home and the kids wanna go for a walk to Grandma and Poppa’s house. Great idea. Hanging out at the their table I mention

Me: I think I am gonna quit smoking.
Pops: I saw that. I will quit with you.
Me: Really?
Pops: Yeah.
Me: Well, not today.
Pops: That’s good. I just bought a pack.
Me: Ok. Just let me know when you are finished.
Pops: That’ll be tomorrow.
Me: Ok. Tomorrow then.

At this point, Ma joins in (provided Pops doesn’t cheat like she insists he always does).

So, I am on the hook for tomorrow. Only thing is, I had already decided that the regular gym visits would be the top 3 victor. And I said only one thing at a time. But, seriously, how do you pass up an opportunity like that?

So, I promised a verdict and here it is. I am going against my better judgement because, quite frankly, sometimes my better judgement sucks. I am gonna tackle all three.

The original plan was start going to the gym, use sunscreen on whatever my next day in the sun was, and quit smoking when the effort at the gym was hindered by it. Well, that’s scraped.

So, my sneakers are ready, my plan is set. If it goes great – wonderful. If I hit some bumps in the road, meh, I won’t be the first.

Not starting on the foodie thing just yet – but it is on the radar.

Who knows. At least it will be interesting

 Awesome White Bunny courtesy of Matti Mattila

Sometimes I write just to know what I think. I put what I think in public places because I believe my friends are the coolest people on the planet and hearing what they think about what I think totally enhances the original think. Yeah – I know you got all that.

***Remember those books where you could make a choice and the next page you turned to depended on that choice? Well, I am giving you that option here. To follow my bananas train of thought, read straight through. To get straight to the end result, scroll down to the white rabbit.

I like video games, cigarettes, a great drink, jalapeno Cheetos, a stunning tan, my tattoos, cold beer, cable tv, hot showers, expensive makeup, hair dye, caffeine, red meat and a whole host of other indulgences that probably do not allow me to function at my peak.

I like the idea of growing a garden, more organic ingredients, being smoke free, a regular gym experience, sunscreen, meditation, a more natural existence, less technology, slower pace, fuller participation in the now and a whole host of other indulgences that would boost the general functioning of my being.

I hate talking about this kind of shit because it drives me crazy when the inevitable few see their one cause in my whole list of stuff, they decided to fashion a quick club and beat me over the head with it. Seriously? Like we don’t all know the amazing dangers of texting while driving and that jumping off a tall building can maim you pretty good or eating nothing but chocolate cake will probably create a waistline issue.

I love information. I detest information in a vacuum. I love interaction and support. I detest when one person’s armor chink serves as ammo for a full on assault by those who have fashioned this area up fairly well while ignoring the gaping the holes they have elsewhere.

I am a whole person. I have ideas in one area that are not practical due to other areas. I have needs in some areas that are exhaustive because of desires in others.

In my skin, I am not a checklist. I am a holistic being with more facets than I even know about. And light from one may create a shadow on the other. And just because our shadows are different doesn’t make us less than the other.

Am I thinking about quitting smoking? Sure I am. Would love to put that out there? Sure I would – most eyes that hit this page will be amazingly supportive. Do I need 12 comments about lung cancer, the health of my children, the cost of the dirty habit, the damn ice caps melting, the polar bears dying, the aliens who refuse to come to this planet and give us the secret to life because I lit up a Marlboro – um no. Does the fear of failure scare me to death? Sure it does. Does that make any attempt of self improvement harder? you bet.  Do I love hugs and loving ass kicks? I sure do. Am I looking forward to the OMG, SMH, tisk tisk, UGH responses that follow a failed attempt at working towards an idea that serves as another’s sacared moo cow? No.

I have it in my head that I want to live a certain way. I don’t know exactly what that way is, but I know how it feels.

Now that the kids are back in school, there is a bit more flexibility in my day. I can only tackle one thing right now. Emotionally, financially, mentally, physically – one thing is my limit.

I am giving myself 24 hours (well actually maybe only 12 or 18) to choose. Your thoughts would be beautiful (as long as you didn’t skip straight to the white rabbit).

• YMCA Schedule
• Give up the smokes
• Sunscreen

And that America, is your top three. They have made it through the elimination process of, can’t, won’t, are you freaking kidding me.

This whole process was supposed to be centering and clarifying – maybe that comes later?

Awesome White Bunny courtesy of Matti Mattila

AH HA! Thought I was going to go a whole year without posting on this thing didn’t ya? I know you were just hanging around waiting to be able to say, “You know slacker, it has been a year.”

But I am smarter than that. And quicker too. BY THREE WHOLE DAYS!

Shut up. If you want a regularly updated blog – go build one.

Oh come now, I was only foolin’. Seriously, have you seen my family? Do you know my life? It is busy!

Yeah, that was an excuse, I know. But a girl has to try.

At any rate, there’s a new house, new address, new job, new hair color, new possibilities and, believe it or not – NO NEW BABIES. I know, I hear you gasp of utter shock.

Come back. hang out…I’ll tell you all about it.

Started working through a journaling site by Lisa Gates. Thought I might publish some of them here…don’t know about all of them as I am not sure what all she will ask about.

Today she asked – What is Balance Anyway…

I get all jammed up with this idea of balance. It is my perception that most folks talk about balance in the context of time. For example, my life is balanced because I spent x amount of time at work, then x amount of time with my family and then x amount of time on myself.

However, if on this particular day, one of those things required more attention and you failed to adjust your schedule for the sake of balance, how does it feel in your core?

I prefer to discuss feeling centered. It may be the same thing, in fact it probably is. But I have this thing with words and the choice of word can make all the difference to me. “Balance” locks me up. “Centered” gets me excited.

And it looks like lounging in bed and not feeling guilty about it. It is working late and knowing that no one is being neglected because of it. It is pursuing a hobby that has no other productive quality other than it feeds your soul and feeling good about it.

The beds are made, the coffee is hot, the clothes are ironed, the presentation is wonderful, the schedule is working – and even if I walked outside to flattened tires, I would hit that challenge in stride.

Because for me, it’s not about balance – some things are heavier than others. It is about centered – ready for anything because I am completely comfortable in my own skin. And life looks lovely.

Nope, I am not getting slack. My books actually were derailed and thus delayed my pursuit of higher learning.

So that you know that I am not making light of a deadly situation, I did look the accident up. Seems the accident occurred in California. Two tankers caught on fire and produced some hazardous fumes which resulted in an evacuation. But, I didn’t see where anybody was hurt.

According to the UPS website, my books should be here today and I can get on with getting smart.

Yeah – you noticed. Even if you didn’t, lie to me and tell me you did. My blogging posts have taken a small hiatus. Funny timing since we are quickly towards the celebrations of my first bloggy birthday – feel free to throw me a surprise party and send me presents and cake and ice cream!

Last year ended in distraction. This year started in change. It has contained many milestones and opportunities. There is even a top secret, super exciting project in the works. All this has required a step back. No, not a step back – how cliche is that? But it has required a big corporate reorganization – which is great because that meant it involved just me That is way easier to coordinate!

So, a place for everything and everything in its place. I am working on do all that I want to do. I just had to hit the pause button on a few things to incorporate the other things.

And I know you can’t have it all. That is not what I am attempting to do. But with a bit of focus, a touch of the crazies, a pinch of dream big dust and a whole lot of motivation and support – you can have most of it