I spent a good deal of time yesterday thinking about prayer.

It was my first Sunday back at Mass in too long. As a converting Catholic, Mass is not the thing to miss. But the family was so warmly received. Father said, “Welcome home.” A dear friend said she knew she would see us soon.

It was the 10th anniversary of 9-11. This churns up a whole bunch of thoughts on hate, love, trespass, forgiveness, religion, prayer – at least to does for me.

It has been no secret that my journey with God and all that encompasses has been an interesting one. We have found ourselves in many different places. However, I have found comfort in the fact that most of the figures in biblical history have some things in common – they experienced fear, doubt, love, dishonor, courage – either all at once or at multiple times. I am not so different.

Even when my doubts are at their pinnacle, one thing that is always staring me in my face is prayer. All my life, I can remember times when I prayed.

• Spending the night under a flipped couch with my newborn sister during a hurricane
• Starting my new kindergarten (after a move which I hated)
• Watching my parents give my baby sister mouth to mouth
• The first time I missed curfew
• The day I enlisted in the Navy
• Joey died
• Bootcamp
• The night Momma made that phone call
• The day I found out I was in labor – 12 weeks early
• When I sent her to kindergarten
• The night of her emergency surgery
• Every single day of my deployment during OEF/OIF
• My miscarriage
• My discharge from active service
• That other time
• Right now as I write this

There are a ton of wonderfully happy times when I pray. And I enjoy the feeling of gratitude. But when I am fearful or scared, prayer is amazingly powerful. Not quite sure what I would do without it. Even now, conversations with The Blessed Mother is one of my favorite things.

I have heard prayer described as a crutch. I am ok with that. I would never fault someone with a broken leg for using a crutch – they need it. I need it. I am not flawed in my weakness. I am human.

I have heard God described as a fictious creation designed for our own need of comfort. I have also heard Him described as the Creator and Lover of all. I prefer the latter and as it takes equal amounts of faith to believe either, I will believe what I prefer.

I have heard religion described as a violent manipulation designed by those seeking power to control the masses. I have also seen religion deliver aid to the needy, food to the hungry, clothes to the naked, medicine to the sick, and comfort to the broken. Misuse of a thing is not the fault of the thing. Knowing that someone has had their head bashed in with a bat does not make the seventh inning stretch any less beautiful.

I don’t have all the answers, neither can I control the opposition or defense. But, that is the beautiful thing about freedom…I can ask my questions, I can search for my answers and I can pray.

The following from The Word Among Us made me think in a multitude of ways.

“Many that are first will be last, and the last will be first. (Mark 10:31)

After seeing the rich young man walk away sad and hearing how hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God, Jesus’ disciples were uneasy. If it was difficult for such a worthy person to attain eternal life, what hope did they have? Could anyone be saved? So Peter spoke up: “We have given up everything and followed you” (Mark 10:28).

Jesus was quick to reassure Peter that he saw every sacrifice he had made. Not only did he recognize all that Peter and the others had given up, he assured them of blessings in this life and eternal life in heaven. This promise doesn’t apply just to the big sacrifices—house, family, or land. There are times when small sacrifices cost us a lot, too. Jesus sees every time we hold back a sarcastic comment, every time we interrupt our day to help a neighbor in need, every time we offer a short prayer of intercession for our sick cousin. Not one of these acts of love, faith, and trust goes unnoticed.

But Jesus didn’t just reassure Peter and the others. He wanted them to see that they could go even further. As they turned from their old lives, the floodgates of heaven would open even wider and pour out more blessings! The further they went, the greater their reward! It wasn’t enough to rest on the knowledge of the promise of eternal life. They weren’t at risk of losing anything, but Jesus wanted them to see that there was more possible! God is always calling us deeper into his life, but we should never lose sight of the fact that he also sees everything we’ve already done, and it pleases him deeply. He won’t forget it at the last day, either.

So how far do you want to go with Jesus? To the ends of the earth? Do you want to be filled to overflowing? Then keep pursuing him! Stay open to him, and let him strip away more and more of the old nature—in his gentle, gradual way. Be assured: As much as he strips away, he will give back a hundredfold in blessings, clarity, peace, joy, and assurance.

First it made me check whether I was counting myself worthy or not. Although it was a quick thought of “yes you’re confident in your salvation” it did make me know that checking myself on this periodically is not totally an unnecessary exercise.

Next it made me remember that it is very easy for me to get caught up in the strong and ever flowing revealed truths that get my heart and head racing a mile a minute. As my relationship with God deepens, it is an exciting journey and in this I think grand. This meditation was a good dose of the reality that we don’t have to cure all of the world’s evils or even our own in one fail swoop to please Him. The small stuff is just as pleasing and those daily instances need to become ingrained habits for me. In other words stop feeling like it has to be a big, noble gesture to count.

Finally it reminded me that as He calls me deeper He is stripping away the old nature. It is more than okay that I have baggage for Him to strip, that it is a process that does not include a magic wand that will poof me into the Christian that I think I should be and that it doesn’t have to be all ugly to be effective. While this stripping is not always comfortable I can take comfort in the blessings, clarity, peace, joy and assurance to come.

So much from one little meditation.

I will not give up too soon.

This phrase is becoming the mantra of my life. And while it feels exhausting at times, I am glad it is one of those things that stuck when it I heard it.

I think about it regularly – in business, in my family and in my faith – I will not give up to soon.

I have given up before. I call them my “God divorces.” Understand that while I am attempting a bit of humor, it is only to make those moments in history palpable and understandable. If you have never been there, you don’t understand the depth of the hurt a God divorce creates. But through the word divorce you get the general idea.

If you have, trust me, we are okay. While we sited irreconcilable differences, He did not. This is the definition of blessed.

God divorces happen for the same reason regular ones do – money, jobs, circumstances. Mine happened over women and behaviors.

Well intentioned but sorely misguided “church women” who gave the worst advice ever to a young twenty something woman.

God and I got back together through the counsel of a not so churchy but amazingly equipped friend.

Later, my understanding of hell and the people who were supposed to go there rocked my faith in His behavior. If that was who He was, I was out.

God and I are dating again. How thankful I am for the One who finds me worthy of pursuit and romance. He will not give up too soon.

Neither will I.