Alrighty, so we all grow and evolve right? I too grow and evolve. Some folks don’t like to talk about it too much because they feel like, well I don’t know what they feel like. I do know what I feel like.

• Go public and mess up – that’s always fun
• Put it out there and change your mind – flip flopper
• Make the statement and be misunderstood – there goes those hurt feelings
• Have the conversation and be berated - party in the house!
• try to do better and then be picked apart and judged – number one on my bucket list

Well, here’s the deal. All that stuff is scary and all. But, I have come to the conclusion that scary does not make my choices for me…and scary certainly isn’t the way I wish to run my life.

So I will tell you I have been VERY occasionally posting on another blog called “Shared Quiet Moments.” Very occasionally because writing about faith was difficult for me. Sometimes it still is…but, it has become obvious that I am supposed to write about it more…at the very least it should influence my writing (and everything else a bit more). In fact, dealing with this idea has slowed down all aspects of my writing – professional, personal, the book…that cannot be allowed to continue. It is time to move forward.

What does this mean? There will be a bit more God in the Chaos. It also means if you also read Making Life Work for You, you may notice some changes over there as well (but maybe not so obvious).

What does this not mean? I am not attempting to convert or push…I am simply sharing. I am also disclosing my bias. If you are single, that is your perspective. If you own a dog, love hunting, own a business, enjoy wineries…that is your bias. I am a Catholic and this is one of mine.

It also does not mean that I am instantly perfect. My husband will attest to that Honestly, I am not sure what exactly it changes, but I just wanted to warn you. I am fairly certain I will still call bullshit bullshit. Oh lookie there, I will I am certain my sarcasm level, while dimmed a bit because I do not wish to go back to negative or mean, will still be a major characteristic. I am certain I will still discuss beer, skanky girl toys, ridiculous politics and the like. I am certain I will still be me…just as always…with slight upgrades…

Chaos 2.0 (or ver. 12 – I lost count).

Ok, so maybe I am not pissed at them…maybe I am super pissed at me.

The Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon in Savannah was this past weekend. However, it has been sold out since August. I didn’t even run my first under 10 minute mile until mid September. It wasn’t on my radar.

Ok, so maybe it was on my radar. I get lofty like that. I had a bunch of friends that were running it. Some were doing the full and lots were doing the half. I can do a half. 13.1? Sure, why not? I had already scored a 10 mile run (it was slow, but I finished). Yeah, too bad it’s sold out. Because I could so do that. Yeah.

Then came the day I logged an 11 mile run at a 9:43/mile average. That was cool. Then came this tweet from Bigbie… (one of the best running buddies. Ever.)

The “this” he is referring to is The Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon. Evidently some spots had opened up. As in not sold out. As in Cinderella can go to the ball. As in me. As in 13.1. In front of people…really, behind people.

Yeah, no. Quick brush off about registration fee and work and volunteerism…blah, blah, blah. End of subject.

I mean really, those things are a big deal. And who wants to run a race they have never even seen before, right? And really, isn’t it more responsible to not hurry these kinds of things and just make sure you are super prepared? Right?

Whatever. I chickened. Worse – I self sabotaged. I worked so hard to convince myself that this was a great decision that I had almost convinced myself I wasn’t really a runner. My run log last week was seriously lacking. Why? Because maybe I would never be prepared and maybe I started too late and maybe there are all those folks out there who really are runners and won’t that be embarrassing…

Now it was Saturday afternoon…Sunday…reports, stories, pictures are coming in. It was great, it was fun, it was wonderful. And none of them got handcuffed by the imposter police because they didn’t score a 6 minute pace.

And I missed it. Worse than missing it. I chose not to do it. I allowed my brain to jack up yet another wondrous capability that is mine.

So this morning I said screw it. I laced up my shoes and went for a run. Some where around mile 2 I felt better. Somewhere around mile 5 I thought about when I would turn around. Right around mile 6 I realized – I am going to run 13.1 today – because I can!

And that is exactly what I did. In under two hours.

I didn’t get a medal or a picture to post on facebook. But I did get a front row seat at life lesson reminder number…well, it’s a big one.

Forget fear. Forget brain jacks. Forget made up lies about inability and substandard fortitude.

Guess who will be there November 3, 2012 ready to eat 26.2 for breakfast. Until then, I have some new words to remember.

“Do it for fun…even if it is Monday.”

One of the coolest sayings ever is, I think, a Chinese Proverb or an African Proverb, or who knows – but it is cool.

“The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.”

This is my last day. I usually wait until New Years. But why wait.

I usually do it with a bit more silence. Why? Because this isn’t the first time I have had to do it. I have to remind myself over and over again how easy it is to slip into bad habits. And again, I have to do a hard reboot and, with intention, and in the words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard

I will not sacrifice the Enterprise. We’ve made too many compromises already; too many retreats. They invade our space and we fall back. They assimilate entire worlds and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no further! And I will make them pay for what they’ve done.

And when I say “enterprise” I mean myself.

And we all know about compromises and retreats. Ok, well it has become obvious that not ALL of us will admit to knowing about them. But I do. And most people do. And it builds compassion and empathy.

Invade – Assimilate – fall back. How many times have I given into negativity, anger, frustration based on the ugly behavior of other people? How often do I berate myself for allowing the voice in my head to drag me down when it is in fact the voices of other people around me talking garbage into space? How often would I say, “Hey, you dropped that trash on the ground,” but fail ever to point out the pollution being given sound and hurled into space?

Has it become so acceptable to bash beliefs, thoughts, ideas, people because they are not as cool as we think they should be. Sure our ideas differ. Sure we find wrong things that others find right. Sure there are moral and ideological foundations of which we will never agree. But does that lead to condescension, hate, and plain ugly? No more, not here, not today.

I may never lose my snark. But I am deep sixing the negative – again. No more can’t, won’t, frustrated, sorry when it ain’t my fault, tired when I should be excited, sedentary when I should be on fire, confined when I should be busting.

Today I encourage you to plant your tree – literally or proverbially. This is Day One. Everyone is cultivating something. Everyone is growing a thing. I decide to grow something beautiful and purge the weeds. You are welcome to join me. I am who I am because it is who I am created to be – not because others around me have decided to trash the day. In the same respect, you are who you choose to be. Others can affect this choice only insomuch as we allow them to. There is energy and goodness – I plan on harnessing it all.

And for you nosey little ones

• Yes I regularly see things online that piss me off
• Yes I regularly see things online that encourage me
• Yes I am addicted to Pinterest
• Yes I finally saw the Green Lantern and decided to flex my will
• Yes I will slip and violate my own dedication to no more ugly
• Yes I may at times hide behind snark
• Yes, I am trying to make “yes” my new favorite word.

So I don’t normally post my Turn Around Tuesday Post here…they are usually over at Making Life Work for You. But, this one felt a bit different. And I like it better here…

Language… has created the word “loneliness”
to express the pain of being alone.
And it has created the word “solitude”
to express the glory of being alone.
~ Paul Tillich

Today’s column is taking longer than most. So maybe it won’t take longer to write. But it is certainly taken longer to get started. Mostly because, until this very moment, I wasn’t even sure I was going to write it.

I have had the opportunity in the past few weeks to spend some time, nearly every day, alone. Of course I am running at a roughly 11 minute per mile pace for an hour. But it is proving to be worth it.

This past holiday weekend I again had some time to be alone, to be quiet, even to nap. Sound relaxing? It isn’t. It is soul-stirring and that can get all kinds of crazy wires crossed.

Here’s what I know, and forgive me as I inject some Sunday thoughts into a typically weekday column, I am never alone and I know who is with me. I am never making decisions by myself and I am always looked after.

Here’s what I don’t know. I don’t know why. And I certainly don’t know if I make the right decisions all the time. In fact, I am certain that I do not. The most confusing part is I am not even sure if I the decisions I am making even involve the subject I would best be suited tackling. Are you throughly confused? I apologize. I told you I had considered writing nothing today. This is why.

But I am certain it is not just me. I watch the looks on people’s faces regularly. I converse with a good many of them and eavesdrop on others. It is clear that purpose, function, path and intention are large subjects in the lives of most people.

So I put it on paper so that you would know – it is not just you and you are not alone.

Today I encourage you….

Thanks for the coffee,

I am getting used to my funky music affirmations I downloaded from ipopin.  I don’t feel quite so weird hearing and repeating to myself these little one liners about how great I am gonna make life. Maybe because it’s working (not quite ready to release the possibility of coincidence.)

There is one on there that I really like. The music is strong, the voice empowering, and “I step into the flow of intention,” and she means it, therefore, so do I.

There is one that confused the whole thing for me.  She is setting her intentions and releasing expectations.  Huh? I thought the point was to expect goods things. Now, we are here releasing those expectations and concentrating on intentions.  My brain chewed on this thought for a while.  I am always uncomfortable with things my head can’t understand it, but it still rings true to myself.

Aha! I can’t explain to you the entire thought process that lead up to this moment (you would be confused and asleep before I finished).  So let me give you just the end result.

Intention- a determination to act in a certain way, resolve.
Expectation – the act or state of expecting (to look forward), anticipation

There’s the difference acting vs. looking.  Resolve vs. anticipation.  Action vs. Inaction.

That’s why it rang true to who I am.  I am a personal responsibility kind of girl.  I believe that  if you want it – work for it, if it’s hard – be harder, scary – do it scared.  Non voters don’t get to complain about politics. Non exercisers don’t get to complain about feeling weak. Non runners don’t get to complain about being slow…you get the point.

So now, I set my intentions and let go of expectations. Expectations always messed me up anyway.  I would have how it “should be” so firmed up in my planners brain, that any deviation (even good ones) would wreck the whole endeavor. Expectations are fine, but understand how little control you have over their materialization.

I expect to be productive today – if those around me don’t have the same expectation, I’ve got problems because I can’t control them.
I intend to have a productive day – nobody can touch that.  I own it. It has everything to do with my resolve and determination.

I have left behind expectations…I really like this intention thing.

’twas my birthday on Saturday And we all know how much I LOVE birthdays. This one was no different.  Husband strategically placed a wonderful card, lots of kisses from the girls, full inbox of well wishes, myspace was hopping, and mom made dinner. Did I mention I had to work? Even that went well. Birthdays seldom disappoint.

My birthday is like everybody else’s traditional New Year’s.  I spend some time reflecting on the past year and planning the next. I never make resolutions. I used to develop expectations. This year I exchanged them for intentions (look for that explanation later in the week).

What went great:

• We welcomed Morgan into the world!
• Then I got off the baby weight
• I got comfortable in my writing skin and developed my blogs and website.
• I became more involved in my community, both business and personal.
• I have made some great friends.
• My career is taking off.
• I learned to create goals and think in a different way.

What didn’t go so great: 

• WHO CARES?!?! It’s my birthday! This is a whole new year.  I am a busy woman with no time to dwell on past mistakes, hurts, or missteps. I am here in the now, excited about tomorrow and having the time of my life!

That’s what it is all about after all. Recognizing that all the “errors” in life are only fatal if we let them be, hurtful if we carry them around, painful if we repeat them, and failures if we refuse to learn from them.

Happy Birthday!!

I mentioned some short time ago that the subject of my goals has become a quest for a path.  There have been quite a few people put in my path to help out with all of that.

Things go along as things are wont to do.  I am reading “The Secret.” More on that later.  I will tell you it is a very easy read…very repetitious – but there’s a reason for that.

“The Secret” is, so far as I am in the book, putting your mind where you want your feet to go.  I am a smart girl, so I understand the concept.  My mind is also very busy – so I have a little trouble with the focus thing.

In walks Kirsten Harrell.  Well, sorta.  She is a friend of Chris Cree and I lurk her blog trying to figure out how I feel about the idea.

People that know me well, understand that I am a bit of a paradox. I am incredibly feminine, with very little fluff.  I love pink and pearls, and have very little time to sit around and talk about what you’re gonna do – set a plan and get to moving!  I wasn’t really one for all the SNL Stuart Smalley business.

But, I am also one to admit when someone else may have a better way. So, I had to consider – what if Kirsten was on to something with these “Positive Affirmations” she promotes? What if the cat really was out of the bag with “The Secret” and keeping your mind in line in a particular way was the key.

So, on over to ipopin I went.  She has an album of 11 affirmations that seemed to fall in line closely with my values.  It was $10 for the download…I figured, I had spent way more than $10 on things far less likely to be useful.

I won’t say that they are life transforming – yet.  I will say that I am not disappointed in the least that I bought it.  I will also say that I listen to all 11 affirmations more than once a day…and it feels good.  I am not ready to give this up to fact vice coincidence…but I am also going to listen to them all again today.

I’d like your thoughts and I’ll keep you posted on mine.

Not to inflate his ego, but Chris Cree is a smart guy (he married Lisa after all). A few days ago I listened to him on Wayne Hurlbert’s blogging radio show and he said some right smart things. Took me a few days to digest it. But, like all good food, it fed me well.

The beginning of this particular journey, oddly enough, started with Lisa asking me about my goals. Blech! That is difficult for me because of my intense hatred of failure and mediocrity. Where does one start?

I ran into a site via eWomen Network and I joined immediately. Smart Women’s Coaching is headed up by Katana Abbott and Jill Jordan. Again more talk about goals and getting what you want out of life

Well, as chance would have it, Lisa’s husband raised a follow up point – your goals have to coincide with your values. So, I asked myself, “April, what are your values?”  That turned out to be a way easier mountain to climb.

I can list a million things I value. After simmering on them for awhile, I can say that most, if not all fit in one of these:

I value family, education, and productive citizenship.

That was easier than “What are your goals?” But, an interesting thing happened. It has now become easier to define my goals.

• I will be more involved in the school system this year
• I will complete my GRI and ABR in the next 18 months
• I will complete my degree within the next 3 years
• I will continue to be aware and active of government happenings
• I will start my book this year and have a plan for completion and development within the next 5 years

I think this is good start. And I was mindful to have all the componets that I think make up “a good goal.”

• There is a concrete action
• There is a timeline
• They are written down and shared to provide accountability to myself and others
• They are inline with my values

I can’t wait to see where we go from here!

Quick update…while looking for a new and exciting link to Lisa Cree, I found another goal…to learn from Christine Kane’s “18 Stupid Mistakes.”