I have never felt like an accident. Even from my unplanned birth. I can’t think of any point in my 35 years that I have ever pondered whether or not I was intended.

I know that is a blessed thing. I realize there are many who have had to struggle with being unwanted, unintended – an accident. I appreciate that is not a burden I have to bear.

However, at the risk of sounding ungrateful (which I am not) a more specific instruction guide would be nice. Yes, I am aware the Bible is considered the ultimate instructional guide. I have read it and I find its lessons on character completely accurate. And at the risk of sounding blasphemous (which I am not), I have also found it lacking the chapter of my life – should I have gone to college or the Navy, when do I get married, when do I have children, how many, do I work full time, what do I do, what are my hobbies, where should I live, which choices really have only one answer, which can I just do whatever and be ok…yeah, none of that is in there.

While this may not be a glaring omission for some, it is to me. I am a checklist girl. I like processes and formula. I like maps, plans, directions, reciepes, instruction manuals. I like pretending I am flying by the seat of pants, knowing all the while I have a Hollywood style harness that is keeping me right where I am supposed to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking rigid. I understand and expect processes to need case by case finesse. I know not all the boxes need to be checked all the time and some need to be added occassionally. I am a fabulous cook but only an ok baker – I like to use recipes more as a guideline than absolutes.

But a little more obvious direction would be nice. I am not an accident. I like not feeling like an accident. I would love to know that I am not participating in a whole lot of them too…

*Inspired by Day 2, The Purpose Driven Life

I could lament all the time that has passed since I have done this. I will not. I could offer up excuses and tell you all the places I have been instead of in church or at God’s feet or long conversations with Mary, but I won’t. It isn’t important – well, maybe it is, but for some reason, it doesn’t feel amazingly relevant.

I was looking for something to read last night. I am attempting to get back on track – a term which I hate as it has all these negative connotations but I lack the desire to put forth the effort to find a suitable replacement. At any rate, I decided to dust off my old copy of Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life. I have had the book for a while, have started it once or twice. I have yet to finish it. Maybe that’s why I am still not real clear on my purpose. Such an idiot. The answer has been sitting in my bookshelf the whole time.

Since all of that was incredibly snarky, I figure I had better explain that I appreciate Rick Warren and his work. He seems like a wonderful warm person and even after all his success, there was no Twitter picture post on the Bahamas scandal. That is a pretty big feat.

But, I decided when I picked the book up that I would be interested in my thoughts more than his and my leaning more than his. While his writings are a great primer, he does not know me and my relationship with God like I do. Rick, as good as they are, can only speak in generalities.

Day 1 talks about understanding the idea that it is not about me. Lives are intended to be others and Christ focused. Other self-help books fall short as they emphasis focus inward instead of upward. Our purpose is not our own. The Creator is the maker of purpose and only He can decide and explain said purpose.

Yeah – no. Well, maybe not “no” but just not enough.

I fully believe we are meant to be charitable and tend to the needs of others, we are also created to enjoy all the blessings God has intended for us. Did he adore David, bless Solomon, deliver Joseph so that they would simply spend their whole time talking about how unworthy they were and starving and thirsting so that they could give all their blessings away because it isn’t about them? I don’t think so. I think God enjoys watching me smile. I think He enjoys it very much. I think He created us in His image and He enjoys when His images are happy with the course He has set them upon.

And it is about me, sorta. As I am moving forward in discovering God’s will and purpose, doesn’t it make sense that a good deal of that conversation will focus on who He is and who he created me to be so I understand how the two fit? Don’t I need to understand my own jacked up brain so that I can better guard against challenges and perform in purpose?

Do I think Day 1 was bad? I certainly do not. I hold it as affirmation that I am a free thinking being, that God is priority over guilt and expectations, that maybe I have finally approached Rick’s book in the proper way. Maybe this time I will finish it.